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The Manager Mom Epidemic: Book Review

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When I first picked up a copy of this book I expected it to be descriptive of what I have been observing lately:  Households where the mom is in charge of everything, in other words, the phenomenon that Dr. Thomas Phelan calls “Manager Mom.”  However, I was very pleased to find out that this book includes not only a description of what the phenomenon is, in detail, but also offers many examples and suggestions on dealing with this situation at home.

What is a Manager Mom?  In short, it is a mom that does it all:  The childcare, the cleaning, the food preparation (which includes buying and cleaning up afterwards), the laundry, the appointments, the after-school activities….You get the picture.  How did this happen?  How is it that moms are the ones who bear the burden of everything household related?  Dr. Phelan refers to the original bond between mother and baby as well as the strong message that has been passed down from generation to generation, from mom to mom, as the culprits for this type of behavior.

In fact, Dr. Phelan calls the strong identification with “mom duties” as Mommy ID, and explains how moms tend to feel a strong sense of guilt when their perceived “responsibilities’ are not taken care of (by them!).  This concept was quite enlightening to me as I often hear moms tell me that if they don’t do it all, things don’t get done “right.”

If you feel this way, then this book is for you.  If your family falls in what most people call “traditional,”  mom takes care of all the responsibilities in the house, whether she works outside the home or not, and dad works outside the home but does not contribute to household duties, then this book describes you.  If you are tired of living like this, and would like more “me” time or you are a dad or a partner who would like to be able to make decisions and share the burden of responsibility, then this book is for you.

You will find many actual examples of couples that have moved from what seemed to be the tiring routine of the house to a schema that works for everyone!  It is possible!

To pick up a copy of this book, please click here.

We All Benefit When Work is Shared!

As always, if you have any comments or questions, please drop me a note.

Thanks!

Dr. Klimek.

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3 Frequent CPSE and CSE questions answered: New York City Parents

It is not secret that growing up is hard to do. Try seeing your kids grow up: It is extremely hard. Now add special needs to the mix, and you get a very, very difficult situation in your hands! Why does this happen?

Change evokes anxiety in everyone. Some people are more equipped to handle this type of anxiety and have developed adequate coping mechanisms. For many of us, any change in our routine can be very stressful, and a child growing up (in some cases too fast!), can be a source of insurmountable stress.

Let’s just say that the educational system as it is does not make it any better. In New York City, children move from kindergarten to first grade, from fifth grade to middle school, and from middle school to high school in a blink of an eye! Parents can’t keep up with all these graduations, moving-on ceremonies, and yes, applications.

For families of children with special needs, transitions are especially stressful as they need to attend evaluations and meetings during these times. In New York City, parents can easily get confused with these procedures.

As a special educator, special family member, and advocate for people with special needs, I often have to answer questions from parents who are worried about what happens when their children get older. Let’s review three of their most common questions and explore possible answers:

1) What happens when my child turns 3 and no longer receives early intervention services? With parents’ consent, children receive an evaluation that will get them ready to start a program at that time. If your child qualifies, she/he will be eligible to get an extension of the services he already receives until she/he starts the program!

2) What happens when my child turns 5 and can no longer attend his/her preschool program? With parents’ consent, children receive a new evaluation, and a new program (for kindergarten) will be determined. Technically, most schools should be able to serve most students with special needs. However, if this is not the case, a different program will be selected. This can be a difficult process and parents do well in pursuing the help of a professional at this time.

3) Can I still submit and application for Pre-K or Kindergarten, even if my child had an evaluation? The answer is yes! Whether your child will attend one of these programs will depend on what his/her needs are, but you can (and should) make sure that you submit those applications. We never what the future has in store. This will ensure you cover all bases!

Family having dinner.
Dr. Klimek and her special village.

If you have any questions or comments, please drop me a note!

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Should I pursue a diagnosis for my young child?

When it comes to getting a firm diagnosis for their children, I often get two types of reactions:  1)  Absolutely yes!  This way, we can get all services as soon as possible, 2) No way!  I don’t want to put a label on my child unless it is absolutely necessary.  What happens when children are younger than 3 years old and this question becomes central?  Let’s explore some possibilities.

  1. What is the right thing to do?  The right answer depends not only on the child but also on the timing.  Typically, for very young children, when the parent is undecisive I advise to wait a little while (somewhere between 3 to 6 months), and make sure that we get solid intervention on the part of the intervening team (special instructors, occupational therapists, speech therapists, physical therapists, etc.) and the parent/s.  Of course, sometimes even waiting as little as 3 months to let intervention produce results seems like a very long time.  This is when it becomes evident that even with the strongest intervention, without the proper intervention, will not suffice.  I have had situations where I clinically know, after meeting the child and working with the child for a short time, that he/she will have difficulty responding to treatment.  In these cases, I suggest we move forward and pursue a diagnosis.
  2. My child was just diagnosed, now what?  Now is the time to look at all the options available to you through that diagnostic lens.  If your child was diagnosed with ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder), then you may have access to certain school programs and to the specialized expertise of ABA (Applied Behavior Analysis) teachers, who will tailor programs specifically for your child.  If your child was diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy, for example, you may be able to access equipment that may become central to any gross or fine motor work later on in your child’s life.  Whatever the diagnosis is, the specialized treatment will follow.  I like to compare treating children with treating the flu vs. treating a cold.  Even though some of the symptoms look the same, we treat the flu differently from what we would treat a cold.  The flu is much more severe, and it requires a specific intervention!
  3. I’ve decided I want to wait, or not pursue a diagnosis at all, now what?  Remember that the intervening team will still continue with provision of services, as the needs of each particular child is what drives this service provision, not the diagnosis itself.  In many cases, it is not necessary to pursue a diagnosis.  The child’s needs are self-evident and sufficient.  They are enough to carry out an intervention.  In the flip side of the above example, we wouldn’t treat a cold with the same medication that we use for the flu.  It is simply unnecessary and would not work!

Of course, as with anything else that requires careful consideration, it is important to do a lot of learning, consulting, and above all, soul-searching, before embarking on this route.  One thing to keep in mind is that nothing is written in stone, and a decision that you make today, you can take back tomorrow.  (We will have a course on parental rights.  More on this coming soon!). 

This is an important topic and we will continue exploring all the ramifications of each decision.  If you have any questions or comments, please drop me a note!

Sometimes, no diagnosis is needed to design a quality intervention.
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Living a Life of Purpose: New Year Reflections

“I could be lost inside their lies without a trace
But every time I close my eyes I see your face ” Sting, If I Ever Lose My Faith in You.

It seems somewhat incredible, unbelievable, that it has already been over 6 months since I cut ties with my employer of almost 22 years and became self-employed.  Let’s just say that the writing was on the wall, or rather, it had been on the wall for quite some time.  I had never been a firm believer in signs or the universe sending a message, or things of that nature,  but in this case, the message was loud and clear:  It was time to let go.

Now, I had always thought that if I was ever to leave my employer of so many years, it would be for something worthwhile.  In my case, “worthwhile” meant making the jump from employee to entrepreneur.  What I didn’t know at the time was that six months in, I was going to find so much happiness, fulfillment, and sense of purpose doing what I currently do.

 A year ago, I had insomnia, and  could not sleep for days, from the stress that my job caused me.  I lost weight and was put on medication to manage symptoms of PTSD.  This year, I lay awake at night just reflecting on the incredible things I get to live day by day.  Life has certainly changed, and I am extremely thankful to those who “wrote on my wall,” as they, in their quest to make my life impossible, managed to make it incredibly purposeful.  Sometimes the Universe does work in odd ways.

And if you think that money is the reason I’m saying all of this, you’re wrong.  Even though I have been very fortunate in that department, I can honestly say that the reason for this incredible emotion is the fact that for the first time in my life, I get to do, every single day, and every single moment of the day, what I believe in, what I love to do. 

These emotions became all the more clear in during the last two weeks of 2019.  Each end of the year and beginning of a new year tend to mark a tone of reflection.  This was especially true in my case, as I was able to spend those days making connections that will last a lifetime and will truly make the world a better place. I welcomed the new year in a completely incredible, positive, and new-for-me state of mind. 

I was also lucky, very, very lucky to be able to spend those days surrounded by family and friends, the kind that love you no matter what and support you always.  I could almost hear my late father whisper in my ear “I told you so,” so many times.  He will always be my guiding star and my inspiration.  He used to love the song by Sting “If I Ever Lose my Faith in You.”  We used to sing it together.

Dr. Klimek and her family

Dad, wherever you are, thank you for never losing your faith in me. Thank you for showing me the way, always.