Hello families out there! Welcome to the new section of this blog for Recommended Products and Activities that are useful and relevant for our families!
One of the most frequent questions that I get asked, and
very often, is what kinds of products I recommend to optimize children’s
learning. Of course, I have an arsenal
of answers, depending on the child’s needs and the family’s need.
I will be dedicating this section of the blog to those
products that I find most helpful, and will be talking about tips and
strategies related to those products.
And why not, I will also talk about products that I have found useful for
PARENTS! Yes, you busy parents out there! We will talk about the latest or the most
relevant movie, book, and even vacation.
We will talk about activities that you can do by yourselves, to
celebrate the incredible families that you are, and activities that you can do as
a special family, paying special attention to places that are accessible to our
children.
Please check out this section. Updates will be posted shortly!
In my work with young children, I often get asked by caring
parents about what goal/s I’m working on with their children. For the most part, goals are varied and they
depend a great deal on 1) the functioning level of the child, 2) the needs of
the family. When working with very young
children (0-3 years old), the family is the principal stakeholder.
But no matter the individual goals and objectives for each
child, the main goal of education is to help children become independent so that
they can learn for themselves. College
students, for example, will have forgotten over seventy five percent of what
they learned in college a few years after graduation (my observation), but they
would have learned HOW TO LEARN. They
would have become smart consumers and will know how to keep themselves abreast
of the latest developments in their field.
We don’t want physicians that only remember what they learned in medical
school! We want them to keep themselves up
on the latest medical news!
Similarly, children (even young children) need to learn how
to learn. How do they do this? With some individual variables, we can say
that most children learn by 1) being shown how to do tasks (commands or play),
2) being given the opportunity to repeat those tasks, even if they make
mistakes, 3) and providing them with free play time. This last point is important, as it will be
used to reveal how much a child can do by him/herself.
Children need modeling, and strategies and techniques in
order to learn from those around them, but they also need space to be able to
practice on their own. Two -year old
children have a difficult time sitting for any period of time as it is, and it
is not natural to have them sit and pay attention for a long period of
time. This would set an unrealistic
expectation for the parent and it would only hurt the chances that the child
will be able to learn how to learn. We need to build in time for children to express
themselves.
Next time you wonder what’s the best legacy you can leave
for your child, think of yourself as the nest, and of your children as birds
who are slowly spreading their wings so that they can fly. What can you do for them to become more
independent? What does your child
like? What is your child good at? Does he like to do what he/she is good at or
does he/she struggle? Make sure that
when you teach your child about “learning,” you make it look more like
play.
Of course, there will be times when you will feel like you need help, and you should ask for help! If you have a young child, and need help determining whether your child would qualify for the early intervention program, click here. If your child is 3 to 21 years old, and you need help determining whether you should request help, and want to know more about help in school systems, contact your child’s school psychologist, or drop me a note at ourspecialvillage@gmail.com. I will get back to you.
“All we have to do now, is take these lies, and make them true somehow” George Michael, Freedom.
I have been trying to write this post (and others) for a few days now, but the truth is, it has been a very busy month! It is very interesting, because one of the concerns I had before my last day of being an employee was letting go of what many people refer to as a “secure paycheck.” I had done my homework, however, and I knew from many entrepreneurs in the field that a good life, with a work-life balance, independence, and professionalism, and of course, good monetary compensation to go along with the package, was entirely possible. Of course, even though this is a legitimate concern, it is one that seems to be exaggerated by our fears and the fears of our well-meaning family members and friends around us. In the end, the only regret I have about having left my job as an employee, is that I didn’t do it sooner.
As a matter of fact, this month has been a month of learning for me (as every month should be!) and I would like to share some tips for those of you who are contemplating a change, whether you have already made a decision to quit your 9 to 5 job, or are still contemplating your options.
Leaving your current 9 to 5 job is risky, but so is staying: If there is one common element to my reflections about my departure from the NYC Department of Education, it that I didn’t do it any sooner. It was quite evident that our working relationship was not working. On the surface, we managed, to a degree, to make it look like we had the same mission, but behind closed doors, our philosophies could not be more different. I worked for a division within the department that believed that efficiency was equated with taking care of our clients (families and their children) in the shortest time possible, with minimal contact, and treated families and school personnel as “suspicious” every time there was an issue. I had a boss that once asked me to talk to a school principal to get details about a certain situation in a school. When the school principal explained the situation via email (corroborated by other school personnel), my boss responded by saying: “She sounds too defensive. She must be lying,” and proceeded to make a decision based on her assumption that the school principal, and the other school personnel, lied about the occurrence.
If you are asked to do, witness, or are aware of illegal or immoral acts, leave immediately and don’t look back: You can try reporting what you were asked to do to the Human Resources department, or the legal department, but in my case, I was under the impression that they were not going to help me for many reasons. My last boss once demanded, at a staff meeting, that counselors who directly deal with families of school-age children not spend more than 15 minutes with every family. However, she said, there is an exception to this rule. “Unless the person you are seeing is important or famous,” she said, and told the staff that the lady she had seen for about an hour that very week was a famous actress on Broadway that had given her two tickets to her show as a gift for her undivided attention. I think back to this moment and know that this is when I should have left. Not a minute later.
Being an employee does not mean a secure paycheck: Yes, as long as you are employed, you will get a paycheck, but this will end the moment that someone decides that they no longer need you. I have heard of too many people who lost their jobs from one day to the next, without a warning. No one is safe in any job, with any employer. I was once having a conversation with a senior administrator from the NYC Department of Education, who told me that Human Resources and some of the senior administrator of a particular department had devised a plan to “get rid of” an employee who they no longer wanted. They were going to keep “writing her up” until she got tired and resigned. She did resign. (Hence the reason I opted to not contact the Human Resource Department).
Being self-employed means that you can put your own skills to the test. When you are employed, you are satisfying somebody else’s vision, but when you are self-employed, you are free to create your own vision, and contribute to this world in your own terms. You are free to not only help others the best way you know how, but you are also free to earn as much as you want, work the hours you want, and do it from wherever you want. The choice is yours.
Know that there are resources out there if you need help deciding if it’s time to leave. One of the institutions that helped me the most was the Workplace Bullying Institute. They helped me realize that quitting, for me, was the most powerful, and life changing decision.
The other day my husband and I were preparing for the upcoming holiday season. Yes, I know what you are thinking. The summer isn’t over yet, and we are already talking Holidays?! Let me explain. Our combined family is large, and I’m not only talking about our wonderful immediate, blended family. I’m talking about all of what that implies: my family of origin, his family of origin, my daughter, his sons, their families, our foster daughter, and their respective families. In addition to that, we both have the “package” of a previous family. As you can probably see now, there is a great deal of planning required.
One of the factors that goes into planning for this type of get-together is the fact that my youngest brother, Fernando, who is now 40 years old, is an adult with developmental disabilities. Why is this a consideration? My brother is an adult in many ways but cognitively, he behaves and sees the world more like a 2-year-old child would. He claims spots as his own (for example, the couch in front of the TV), does not want to share (don’t even think about taking his remote control), and can watch TV for hours! (dare not change what he’s watching!). In addition, he still needs help for certain activities of daily living that most of us take for granted, like going to the bathroom or eating a full meal without spilling anything or staining his shirt.
This is a huge source of stress for my mother, who in a way,
sees herself as the perpetual mother of a toddler who just happens to be really
big in size. This is, of course, a major
consideration of when, where and how we plan our events. Hence, the need to plan for Thanksgiving well
in advance, especially when huge family crowds are expected.
As I thought about Thanksgiving and how to make it comfortable for everyone but especially for my mom, I was reminded of the winding road that brought me to this place of kindness, understanding, and non-judgement. The road that brought me here was a surprising contrast. It took me quite some time and some tears of my own to understand, really understand deeply and without judgement, what it means to be the parent of a child with disabilities. No matter how old that “child” is, he/she will always be a child for those parents.
This year my mom and brother will be in town for Thanksgiving, as they normally are, and like many years before, we will be flooded with well-intentioned family members and friends, that will want to celebrate Thanksgiving at their home, and I will have to explain, one more time, why this is not a good idea. I will feel bad saying no, and they will not understand why, even with their kind offer of giving up a couch, a TV, and even a remote control to my brother, I’m still saying no. The truth is I totally understand their perspective, but I deeply understand my mother’s too.
Here is some advice and wisdom that may help the lay,
well-intentioned person, family or friend, understand their special-family
loved one:
Special parents feel judged. If you take away just one piece of advice from this piece, please let it be this one. Special parents always feel that the world thinks it’s their fault. Parents typically experience feelings of guilt when things go wrong in their children’s lives, when they see their children suffering. Somehow, parents think if they could only…(fill in the blank). And to top it all off, I have heard many well-meaning family members and friends inadvertedly judge those they love by pointing out that things could be better if the parent just did something differently. So when you feel like your friend or family member is not listening, has put up a wall, or is rejecting your advice, remember that this parent may be receiving the feedback as a judgement. Be patient and understanding. Ask the special parent how it feels. Let them tell you what is like to be in their shoes.
Special parents feel most comfortable in their own environment. We all in one way or another can’t wait to “get home” at the end of a difficult day. No matter where home is, it is a symbol of rest, peace, and individuality. For a special family, the role of this special haven cannot be underestimated. Their environment may be accessible and may have accommodations that make life easier for the special family. When they say they prefer to meet at their place, understand that they may not be rejecting your invitation, they are only asking for an accommodation to be able to enjoy themselves a bit more freely.
Special parents feel misunderstood and isolated. Feeling misunderstood is a consequence of feeling judged. This is a particularly serious feeling as it may lead to depressive thoughts and the consequence of not only feeling isolated but becoming isolated. If you have a special parent in your life, pay attention to these feelings.
In short, my advice for all of you out there, friends of our very special village, is that if you have a family member or friend who is a special parent, please be there to understand, support, and lend a hand. Should you still say what you think, give advice, and lend your opinion? Of course! Your relative/friend really needs you, all of you. But just be aware of what may be happening behind the scenes, so that you can be more present and more whole to support your friend.
